A column to forget

As I take my lunch break from TerMime-X to check out the first few innings of the Phillies-Mets game, please enjoy this little gem:


Perhaps in the future I will give a pass to the folks over at The Evening Bulletin, but as long as Sandy Penner insists on writing crap like this, I will be forced to make fun of him.


It started out like any other Friday night. My wife was out to dinner with some friends and I was responsible for the kids. My oldest daughter had a birthday party to go to and then I was taking my youngest out for a bite to eat. After we ate, I then had to pick up my oldest daughter from her party and finally head home.

As fate would have it, I also had a number of chores to take care of on Friday. I did my laundry, visited the dry cleaner, and got my haircut. It was rough too, because I had to get all that done and be back in time for the Orkin man. After that, I picked up my daughter from day care and we played outside until dinner.

Bored? Yeah me too. So Sandy, is there a point to this gibberish?


I forgot to mention that this was a night I'd rather have been planted on the couch.

Oh. You poor thing. Yeah being a dad is great and all, but not when those damn kids get in the way of the television.


The Flyers, Sixers and Phillies were all playing and I was doing thumb exercises throughout the day to ready myself for the clicker madness that would take place later in the evening. With all of this going on, I had to carefully plan my daughter-daddy activities to make the most of what was to be a big night for the teams I live and die for.

Uh, okay. Look Sandy, I love sports, I really do. But I live and die for my family. In fact, one of the things we like to do as a family is enjoy sports. The two aren't mutually exclusive. And I don't want to know what type of thumb exercises you were doing. That's just gross.


Little did I know how big it would really become.

That's what she said.


As I drove around listening to the Flyers game, while being informed the Phillies were in a rain delay, I needed to speed up the proceedings so that I could be planted horizontally in my living room when the moment was right. I know that might sound like a cheesy Viagra commercial, but I was sensing this was going to become an unforgettable Friday.

It also reads like bad writing. And "unforgettable Friday" - are you serious?


I arrived at the athletic club early to pick up my daughter and headed right for the TV. It's important to note that the TV's [sic] are located in the workout room, right above some of the cardio machines.

Locker room is down that hall. Clean towels are available in every room. Juice bar is right over there. Thanks for the tour Sandy, but trust me, I refuse to join any club that has you as a member.


None of the sets on the bank of TV's [sic] in the front of the room had the Flyers game on, which is another story for another column.

One that no doubt would be even worse than this one. And why does he continue to make "TV" possessive instead of plural? No matter, we soldier on.


When I finally got home, I was able to see the Flyers put away the Devils with a superb effort. I actually learned the Flyers made the playoffs (with a Carolina loss to Florida) while watching the Sixers game. Marc Zumoff made the announcement, screaming as a man should do only when his wife tells him it's OK to play cards with his buddies five nights a week.

Wow. You have more than two days to write this and that's the analogy you come up with? Plus why does he insist on typing "TV" instead of "television" and "OK" instead of "okay" like the rest of the journalistic world writes it? Can this get any worse?


The Sixers then put the stamp on their own playoff spot by beating the Hawks in Atlanta. Two teams, two playoff spots, one night, and I was spent.

Apparently, it can. You were spent? It's not like you impersonated Deion Sanders and played for both teams that night. You picked up your daughter from a birthday party. That was the extent of your physical activity for the night. Your involvement in these proceedings was non-existent. By your own admission, you were barely a spectator. Plus you can't write.


Still in a state of euphoria, I had to give the Phils my undivided attention as they completed what can only be described as "Fabulous Friday" by beating the Reds.

Aspiring authors abuse alliteration. And I could describe it as a coincidence - a "freaky" Friday if you prefer.


It was a great night of women, wine and song, which we, as bedraggled Philadelphia fans, deserve. I will tell old war stories at family reunions putting "Fabulous Friday" up there on a somewhat barren mantle of big Philadelphia sports moments.

And your family will ignore you or, if necessary, medicate you.


While slugging down some tasty 12-year-old single malt scotch, I will recall chapter and verse the events of April 4, 2008. While hopefully not slurring my words, I will end the grand address by simply and succinctly stating.

"Boy, I hope I see another championship before I die."

Not sure why he chose to put a period after "stating" and then put what he was stating in quotes in an entirely different paragraph. I would have gone the standard route of using a comma and continuing the quote. Perhaps he wanted the quote to stand out. In that case he should have used a colon after the word "stating" - either way, the way he wrote it was wrong.

Which sums up the whole column nicely I think.

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