It's Pat!

I never thought Bill Conlin would go Hollywood. After reading this, I'm confident he never will.


The 2008 Phillies are a Hollywood movie set of a baseball team.

Because they have lots of stars? Two MVPs (Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins), a future MVP in Chase Utley, a future Cy Young in Cole Hamels, and a lights-out closer in Brad Lidge?


Cecil B. De Mille [sic] would have been proud of the facade they present.

Okay, nice head fake. Still, he's going with DeMille? Really? Maybe it's because you can get a guy's name wrong when his last picture premiered 50 years ago (that's right, I said 50). Geez, DeMille died almost ten years before I was born - and I'm the old Mike here. Okay, let's just slog along.


What the camera sees is the Roman Forum in all its marble-faced grandeur. Walk behind the set, however, and it is the clever handiwork of skilled carpenters, propped up by timbers, a plywood, styrofoam and plastic edifice that can be broken down in moments and configured into a gracious plantation manor.

Yeah, we get it. He could have just called the 2008 team a Potemkin Village. Sure, it's still a relatively obscure reference, but it would saved us a lot of time and trouble.


General manager Pat Gillick will understand the analogy, even if he does not agree with it.

Plus he's old enough to connect the reference, unlike most of Conlin's readers.


After all, he grew up in Southern California and knows how things work in Hollywood.

Sure, just like if you grow up in Hershey, you automatically know how things work in a chocolate factory.


This team can and should win the East. But it is a one-take team. One major setback and the Phillies are out of film.

Fuck the heck?


The reality of the economic handcuffs slapped on Pat when he was hired to replace Ed Wade by the limited partnership that runs baseball's Comfort Inn has never been any clearer than it was last Thursday. The trade deadline passed and all the Phillies had to show for the month of rumor, conjecture and wild surmise was a sideways move. Gillick acquired Oakland's Joe Blanton in hopes the hulking righthander could become what an expensive bust named Adam Eaton failed to be.

I'm not sure I understand your point [shocker - does hand signal]. Hey, I agree with questioning ownership. But I don't understand the "Comfort Inn" reference and, his last start notwithstanding, I think even the most irascible resident of Negadelphia would agree that Blanton is an upgrade over Eaton.


It was a sidestep worthy of Fred Astaire . . .

For the love . . . Astaire died more than 20 years ago and his last film was more than 30 years ago (although I must admit that I remember him in this and thought he was great). I wonder if Conlin has been exposed to any pop culture since the Phillies won the World Series in 1980.


The reality is, deadline fans, teams moving the Griffeys, Mannys and CCs, high-priced stars nearing their expiration dates, are not looking for "prospects" in the classic sense. What would a Carlos Carrasco, just promoted to Triple A with less-than-stellar Double A numbers, have done for a contender playing in the present tense? Ditto Double A all-stars Lou Marson, the Phils' catcher of the future, and Jason Donald, the Phils' Eric Bruntlett of the future. Both are playing for the U.S. Olympic team.

The sellers giving up future Hall of Famers on career down-ticks want major league-ready prospects who have survived the high-minors crucible. They want them gifted and they want to have those golden years before arbitration and free agency. That left the Phillies with one realistic, tradeable, option from the varsity - Shane Victorino. Fans, you didn't want to see a Phillies outfield next month without him in it. Nor did you want to go into a stretch drive with untested Greg Golson and his high strikeout ratio as your centerfield anchor.

I told you a stopped clock is right twice a day. So while I would have said it more concisely and I might quibble with a detail here or there, I agree with the overall logic of this point.


Pat is a brilliant baseball man who won back-to-back World Series titles in Toronto and revived moribund Baltimore and Seattle. Baseball's Great Oz has done excellent work behind the curtain. He knows talent. And when he has the money and the parts to trade, he knows how to acquire it. But that has not happened here.

Agreed. So why hasn't anyone asked him why? Is there no professional baseball reporter who will ask that question and push for an honest answer?


His masterpieces are Aaron Rowand, Jamie Moyer, Jayson Werth and Brad Lidge.

Nice list. He had foresight to bring Rowand in and the courage to let him leave, and he was right. He thought Moyer still had something to offer, and he was right. He felt if Werth could get healthy, he could contribute, and he was right. He traded for Brad Lidge, and (even though I thought he was wrong) he was right. And let's not forget the he brought us Greg Dobbs, the best pinch-hitter in baseball this year.


But you'll most likely remember Pat for Adam Eaton and Freddy Garcia, for signing Tom Gordon instead of Billy Wagner, and for not re-signing Kyle Lohse and Rowand.

Agree on Eaton, who was signed shortly after Wes Helms, and on Lohse who, credit where credit is due, he brought to Philadelphia in the first place. As for the others:

(1) I'll give him a pass on Garcia. Even if he was duped, which I'm not convinced he was, he brought in Tadahito Iguchi when Utley got hurt and there are whispers that the White Sox did that deal, in part, to make up for the Garcia bust and to ensure the two clubs could still trust each other enough to work together in the future.

(2) I'm not Tom Gordon's biggest fan, but between him and Wagner, I'll take Gordon. At this point in their careers, they aren't as far apart in talent - or durability - as you might think. Plus Gordon doesn't run his mouth like Wagner does. QED.

(3) Sorry, but I have to put letting Rowand go in the plus column. Compare his numbers from last year to this year and ask yourself if he was worth the money. I've got no beef with Aaron, but I say no.


Pat Gillick left Toronto after the 1994 season. In the next 3 years, the Blue Jays were 56 games under .500, including 56-88 in 1995, just 2 years after a world championship. Pat Gillick took the revived Orioles to the postseason, but left when his contract expired in 1998. In the next three seasons, the O's were 55 games under .500. Pat Gillick's 2001 Mariners juggernaut won a record-tying 116 regular-season games, despite trading away superstars like Ken Griffey Jr. He left his GM position after the 2003 season and stayed on as a special adviser. In the three seasons after he stepped down, the Mariners were a staggering 66 games under .500.

Yikes. Those declines were both swift and significant. I was not aware of those numbers and I'm now officially a little worried about next year. I guess what Conlin is saying is that, despite being financially hamstrung by the owners, Pat has done as good a job with this team as he has with the previous clubs.


Sounds about right for teams put together like a Hollywood movie set.

What? He's blaming Pat for what happened to teams after he left? That's insane. That would be like the Bush Administration blaming the Clinton Administration for the projected 2009 federal budget deficit. But that couldn't actually happen, could it?


Cut . . . Print . . . And, tell the set carpenters to start hammering. Cecil B. Gillick will be shooting on location back in Seattle next spring.

At least he ended as incoherently as he began. He certainly gets my Oscar vote.

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A stopped clock is right twice a day

Bill Conlin is a grumpy old man. I could probably end this post right here and the three or four people who read this will agree. But I feel compelled to offer some evidence and - in true Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids fashion - we might even learn something along the way. So I offer Exhibit A from last week, which demonstrates that a stopped clock is still right twice a day and, apparently, Mr. Conlin thinks it's good to be the king.


When I'm King of the World . . .

I'm already annoyed.


Cole Hamels will run for Phillies player representative on the platform of a chicken in every pot and two chiropractors in every clubhouse . . . Now that the Phils have added Dr. Michael Weinik to the biggest medical staff this side of the lovable "Grey's Anatomy" gang at Seattle Grace Hospital, isn't it time for somebody to step forward and admit that Tom Gordon's right shoulder is cooked?

That's textbook writing there boys and girls. Toss a bone to the old folks and give a shout out to the young hip crowd and then get right your point. By the way, "chicken in every pot" is at least 70 years old. That's just inexcusable. But Mr. Conlin does take the Phillies to task with regard to last week's interim closer. So things could be looking up.


The 19-year veteran, whose lack of stuff and command was tragically exposed in a ninth-inning, Opening Day meltdown, has pitched the past two seasons with a torn labrum. I got this e-mail yesterday from an orthopedic doctor friend who used to pitch and understands the slippery slope Gordon is trying to climb: "Why would the Phillies continue to believe that an aging reliever with a known labral injury could stay healthy for any length of time without surgery? Bad shoulders do not get healthier with age and work without getting fixed."

The use of "stuff" and a friend's e-mail notwithstanding, this is a reasonable and rational argument. Perhaps this Conlin column will be informative, interesting and - dare I dream? - coherent.


Astros general manager Ed Wade must have felt right at home when Mitchell Report star Miguel Tejada was a dead duck at second trying to stretch a leadoff single with Houston trailing, 4-0. Gee, where has the Wadester seen that kind of baseball before?

I guess not. And I swear, while I do edit items like this for length, these two sentences are the only ones on this topic in the entire column. More insanity follows.


When I'm King of the World

Please stop.


The Bank sound system will greet Phillies relievers with a stirring excerpt from the spiritual classic, "Dry Bones."

This stirring excerpt:

Your hip bone connected to your back bone,

Your back bone connected to your shoulder bone,

Now hear the word of the Lord!

Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones

Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones

Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones

Now hear the word of the Lord!

Uh Mr. Conlin, are you feeling okay? Have you taken your medication? Maybe you should lie down. And how did we go from Ed Wade to the Phillies bullpen?


Hey, they have the sausage race in Milwaukee and the presidents race in Washington. Why not dress four contestants as an ulna, a labrum, an ACL and a rotator cuff?

Okay, so you sang the bone song because you're not done talking about Gordon and the bullpen. So why the detour through Houston? Wait. Forget I asked.


When I'm King of the World

Seriously, stop that. And apparently now we're done talking about Gordon and the bullpen.


After the Penn State trustees toss a butterfly net over Joe Paterno, the man who has been coaching since Mount Nittany was a hill will be the spokesman for Godfather's Pizza. Hey, can't a guy eat his lunch around here? You writers talkin' to me? No, then who you talkin' to? (Chomp, chomp.) Look, the day I have to worry about not having a contract, I'm in the wrong place. (Which is starting to become more and more obvious.)

Hello kettle? This is the pot. You're black. I guess it takes one grumpy old man to recognize another grumpy old man. But why is he talking about Joe Paterno in a baseball column? Why is that last sentence in parenthesis? And why cannot I not shake the mental image of Bill Conlin standing at the bow of the Titanic proclaiming, "I'm the King of the World!!!"?

Three excellent questions that may never be answered.

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Former Phillies pitching coach Johnny Podres dies at 75

More details here.

UPDATE (for George) here.

Keep in mind, that Bill Conlin may be the subject of future ridicule here.

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Fire Gary Matthews

In the future, it is a good bet that my posts will be of similar length to Mike's initial post. But that's the future. In an effort to build an audience (ha!), I'll try to be brief.

When discussion first began about starting a blog, the genesis, for me at least, was equal parts my propensity for offering an opinion (typically unsolicited), my growing frustration with Gary Matthews, Sr., as a Phillies broadcaster, and my discovery and infatuation with this site.

It is always my goal - though I may fail sometimes - to not offer an opinion unless I have put some thought into it. And there are a number of issues about which I couldn't care less. So as far as my contributions to this blog, I guess we'll see how that goes.

As for the name of the blog, I did lobby strongly for Fire Gary Matthews, but acquiesced for several reasons, which included, but was not limited to (in no particular order):

- Appearing lazy by transparently ripping off another site's name (I am lazy, but let's not go around advertising it, right?);

- Failing miserably to be as funny as those fellas at the site whose name was being shamelessly co-opted (seriously, regardless of how you feel about Pat Burrell or Bill Conlin, I dare you not to crack a smile as you read this); and

- There was little, if any, intention of making the blog solely about the shortcomings of Gary Matthews as a broadcaster (although there is plenty of material, including my personal favorite, "Well the problem is that when he runs, he puts all of his weight on his feet.").

So kudos to Hillman for kicking this party off. My real last name, and a more personal introduction, is held up in a Department of Homeland Security checkpoint and will be posted at a later date. Until then, feel free to check out my profile.

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